Uniting our sufferings to Christ

I’m pretty sure many of us can relate to thinking about ambulance rides as being extremely fun when we were kids. Like, we get to be in a ride that can speed pass traffic lights, speed through traffic jams. Or was it just me? We’ll take a look at that in a bit…

I had a rather common ear problem and went through a simple procedure to drain out fluid from my eardrum in 2007 whereby all went well. However, after undergoing the similar operation in 2009, at a private hospital in Ipoh, I was given antibiotics for ear infection for a number of weeks, I was eventually not able to walk and was in lot of pain to the extent that they even prescribed morphine intravenously(commonly used to relieve cancer pain. The doctors and nurses found it so hard to find my veins for intravenous...they took me to operation room and various doctors and nurses simultaneously pricked me on my neck, arms, wrists, hands, thighs and feet, I was crying and I thought to myself this is just like Jesus being crucified/nailed. By now, I know that we can never, ever hurt as much as Jesus did on that cross. I was extremely young at that time. Reflecting deeper upon that thought that came to my mind as they simultaneously attempted to find my veins, I find that it was most probably driven by a prompting of the Holy Spirit to uniting my small sufferings to that of Christ. He knows our pains and our hurts as well as struggles. He is the Word made Incarnate, and we see in John 11:35 that he feels us and he weeps for us when we suffer. He is the Lord of the broken hearted. He is never ever indifferent to our pains even though he faced far greater pain that is beyond comprehension on that Cross.

So eventually, the ENT, Neurologists, and all sorts of doctors knew not what was happening to me, why I couldn’t walk and why I was in tremendous pain. Therefore, they referred me to a university hospital in Kuala Lumpur. I was transferred by ambulance and as mentioned earlier, before I couldn’t walk I thought getting a ride on an ambulance would be so fun. I realized I was so wrong the moment they rolled me onto the ambulance. All I could see was the black ceiling. I felt so sick and indeed I was so sick. We reached the University Hospital; they brought me to the ENT outpatient clinic and subsequently admitted me. They put me in the cancer ward and they didn’t tell me the reason, which was actually because there was no other room available. I was 11 for heaven’s sake; I assumed that they suspected I had cancer or something. Moreover, the earlier hospital prescribed morphine saying it was a drug commonly used for cancer patients! I felt so down because I couldn’t seem to find light at the end of the tunnel, discouraged as I knew the doctors and professors either didn’t care or didn’t know what to do, angry because I could have never accepted myself as wheelchair -bound, confused as I was not sure how to react. The frustrations were just building up.

Different specialists came to see to me and they did a lumbar puncture, they had apparently sedated me but I felt the pain when they carried out the procedure. It was as though I was like half awake. By the time the procedure was completed, I was knocked out and sometime later when I woke up, I sat up immediately and vomited. I felt the pain from the puncture on my back and I was so upset, I came to have my pains remedied and to be put on my feet again and instead, they gave me more pains. For an 11 year old boy, such sudden illness and complication of not being able to walk was a real pain in itself. They then shifted me to another ward that was at the basement of the hospital. The route to the ward and the ward itself was worse than a prison environment to me. The walls were so dark and it just made my spirit gloomy. My heart was crying out, I didn’t wanna be in any hospital let alone a hospital with such depressing conditions. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to walk. I just wanted my ordinary life back. It was hard to digest how things had changed in the matter of barely a month and where I found myself at in so much pain, suffering and confusion.

A year later I had gone to various hospitals across the country had been admitted for long stretches here and there. One morning, I woke up and I could barely breathe. My parents rushed me to the clinic and the next thing I knew, I was in my second unpleasant ambulance experience. I was struggling to breathe, I was in so much of pain and my whole face was numb. The ambulance rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted in ICU for a week. This one week was the lowest point of the near-3 year bed-ridden experience. I developed all sorts of complication, I had pneumonia and so forth and had to be given oxygen. I was on 24 hour observation. I felt so scared, I didn’t want to die but I felt like I was going to die. I just knew that I was at the brink of death. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw a sense of darkness that I never saw before and have not seen till today. I was so scared to close my eyes in fear that I would never wake up again. All hope seemed lost, but the good Lord brought me out from the brink of death.

Looking back, in the midst of all of that, Christ was present, he was one with me when I was so down. He was probably whispering into my ears that I can unite my sufferings to that of His, surrender the pains to Him, I was indeed broken-hearted that I couldn’t walk and the events that were taking place in the context of my medical care were just crushing my spirit. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, he helps those whose spirit is crushed. - Psalms 34:8

So, for a good while, I was subconsciously having the idea of uniting my sufferings to Christ and such a young age but I never really surrendered it all to Him until I prayed an honest prayer on 31st December 2011 and truly, by surrendering and uniting my sufferings to Him, I was able to share in the glory of His Resurrection when He miraculously healed me on 1st January 2012.

Today, the Lord asks us to lay down our sufferings at the foot of His Cross and to unite ourselves to His sufferings that is His thirst for the salvation of souls. Only by first being faithful to Him at the foot of the Cross, and in following His footsteps to take up our crosses and deny ourselves can we truly experience the joy and glory of His Resurrection. Therefore, let us run to the foot of the Cross and may Mary our Mother and John, the beloved disciple and only apostle to be with Jesus till His death, help us be faithful till the very end.