Will power – God’s or mine?
- Paul Simon Julianose
- Nov 6, 2018
- 3 min read
At the early stage of the 2 and a half years bed-ridden period, I found myself giving in to despair every now and then, but there was also a part of me filled of hope that kept me going, that I would be strong enough to overcome this whole episode, that my family would get me to the best doctors and that the doctors could prescribe proper treatment, so that I could walk again. Notice that the driving force for my strong will power was focused on other human beings, me, myself, and I. There was a time when my uncle told me that, “if you wanna stand, aim to walk, if you wanna walk, aim to run, if you wanna run, aim to fly”. Through no fault of his own, this fed my reliance on other human beings and my own self-reliance, instead of reliance on God. I was ever more adamant that my own desire to walk again would suffice and be met one way or another without much needed divine intervention.
Reflecting on this whole idea of will power that was focused on man, I was missing the whole point. God’s will is powerful and indeed the best for us. All the while, I was missing the point. It was His Divine will that I would be on my feet again. However, at the same time, that sickness, which Singaporean professors said were one in a million in the USA, was a message from God. He wanted me to turn away from my ignorance toward Him. He wanted me to own my faith in Him. He wanted to fulfill His divine purpose and will for me through this sickness. No doubt, I was born and raised Catholic, I went for weekly masses, devotions, catechism classes and what not. I was dreaming of becoming a priest but the problem was, that was driven by the power of suggestion instead of anything else, and I was in love with my own concept of God not the one true God himself.
By the end of 2011, I came to realize, I could not rely on my own strength and will but on that of God’s , the professors had written off all hope. December 2011, I went for mass weekly, and I was seated before the Blessed Sacrament on my wheels. My family started reading the bible together nightly. Out of persuasion from my parents, sister and cousin sister, I joined a caroling group for a fund-raising event. I share all these happenings because I was stripped of all hope, yet I went for all of this. God’s will was being carried out in the midst of my hopelessness, emptiness and I was subconsciously giving Him my total surrender. His power was manifested in my weakness. I disposed of myself to His holy will and power, completely, before the Blessed Sacrament at a Holy Mass on New Year ’s Eve, 2011. A day later, I was walking on my feet and walking on the path the Lord set for me. I was back on track.
True will power, friends, rests not on ourselves but on God and in fact is not of our own, but of God’s. For my thoughts are not your thoughts and your ways are not my ways, declares Yahweh. – Isaiah 55:8-9
He’s got us , He created each of us purposefully, He has a unique and specific will for each of us that will be fulfilled if we turn to Him and give Him all we got .
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